Posted on July 23rd, 2008 by Jaymz
Some say it came from Greece. Others say Crete. Wherever it originated, it became a homicidal maniac. I always knew it was irrational, but I still can’t believe Pi killed all those people. The horrors I witnessed that day are permanently etched into my memory. As I crossed the boundary of police tape that encircled the circumference of the crime scene, a degree of remorse overwhelmed me. I could have prevented this. If only I hadn’t referred to Pi as “essentially 3.14 or 22/7.” Pi detested those labels more than anything. It went completely insane. As its mental health deteriorated, it even started talking to imaginary numbers, claiming it could recite over 100,000 digits of itself from memory…Pi carved out a final solution for x and itself by eliminating all the variables he once loved. There was just one area Pi and the Radius twins could never fully calculate: their own demented minds.
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Filed under: Classic Away Messages
Posted on July 14th, 2008 by Jaymz
I’m sure everyone is familiar with the story of Goldilocks and the three bears. There’s one little detail that Hollywood and the left wing fairytale publishing media conveniently left out…an important character who has long been ignored: me. That’s right, I lived with the three bears for awhile. Quite frankly, I am the reason the third bed was “just right”. I needed a place to crash for a couple of months, and the bears were cool enough to provide room and board in exchange for protection from hunters, porridge preparation and some light housework. Anyway, this chick Goldilocks was clinically crazy. She wasn’t afraid to break furniture, sleep in a stranger’s bed and steal from bears. I managed to convince her to relax with me on the bed and thanks to a couple of roofie-laced lemonades, I delivered a sleeping intruder to my hosts. Apparently that wasn’t enough to satisfy the disgruntled bears because I was promptly asked to move out. After that, I was going steady with this girl Rapunzel for awhile until I found out she let some other dude climb her hair….What a tramp.
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Filed under: Classic Away Messages
Posted on July 14th, 2008 by Jaymz
The lights are now on nightly at the ol’ Cheesecake Factory in Kettering. If you look closely among the construction, you can see the blue-collar laborers going in to work the third shift on the line. Behind the faces stained with grease, cream cheese, sweat and crumbled graham cracker sawdust, you can see the grit and determination that it takes to assemble quality American-made products. It’s a dangerous job and it requires courage to put on your hard hat every morning and kiss your family goodbye. Every year, thousands of noble souls perish as a result of vanilla bean related accidents. So the next time you hear the faint whistle that beckons these warriors to their work, pay tribute to their craftsmanship by asking your waitress about the dessert selection.
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Filed under: Classic Away Messages
Posted on July 11th, 2008 by Jaymz
What is the only guaranteed cure for the summertime blues? A new blogcast™. Just to inform all my loyal Jaymzketeers, I am considering posting some random away messages that I have written over the past couple of years. If this news excites you and/or your loved ones, let me know.
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Filed under: Blogcasts
Posted on May 6th, 2008 by Jaymz
Forget flowers, Hallmark cards and posting her bail money. This year, the truly devoted son will dedicate a blogcast™ to his mother. It’s the one item I’m absolutely certain will be unique. Happy Mother’s Day, mom, from your (presumably) favorite son…who produces podcasts.
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Filed under: Uncategorized
Posted on February 19th, 2008 by Jaymz
I finally delivered on what I intended to be an empty promise. Please enjoy my fifth podcast. I think this one will generate some enthusiasm from the people.
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Filed under: Blogcasts
Posted on February 1st, 2008 by Jaymz
Despite the lack of comments lately, here is yet another podcast for your auditory pleasure.
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Filed under: Blogcasts
Posted on January 16th, 2008 by Jaymz
Good evening, podcast audience. I apologize for the delay in completing my trilogy of podcasts. My favorite magazine was doing a piece on its “Blogger of the Year.” I’ll give you one guess at who they selected to grace the cover. That’s right, my laptop. Without it, my rejuvenation of the blogging community wouldn’t have been possible. One word of warning about this publication, though: it is quite graphic. It provides an unedited glimpse into the seedy underbelly of the blogging racket. Viewer discretion is advised. In anticipation of the buzz this will create, I recorded an audio version of the popular….semi-popular…tolerable “Ask Jaymz” segment as my Return of the Jedi of this trilogy. (Note: My next podcast will be a prequel to the first one and will not be released for about 16 years.)
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Filed under: Blogcasts
Posted on December 18th, 2007 by Jaymz
Is the story of Santa Claus really necessary? Isn’t the tooth fairy just a glorified fictional burglar? Home invasion concerns aside, I think children can have a healthy upbringing without believing in a corpulent fellow that delivers presents and is the subject of two horrible sequels starring Tim Allen. Find out why. (By the way, remember when I joked about adult themes? This probably isn’t suitable for kids…at least ones that still believe in cookie-eating, sleigh-driving chimney travelers.)
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Filed under: Blogcasts
Posted on December 13th, 2007 by Jaymz
What a long, strange journey it has been. This post is one that has been 22 years in the making. It is the product of my blood, sweat, tears…all my bodily fluids, really. I consider this podcast to be my beautiful, bouncing virtual baby. Without further ado, and let’s be honest who doesn’t hate ado, here it is: the introduction of my voice to the internet. Enjoy.
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Filed under: Blogcasts
